THE CHALLENGE OF MISSING YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY

Smiles and laughter are among the many faces we might see on Father’s Day. But there is another face we may see and, hopefully, won’t overlook on this holiday—the face of someone grieving the loss of their father.  For caregivers of the grieving, holidays are important times to remember that this day can be about both gratitude and grief. Perhaps quietly among us are those who silently struggle with the aching absence of a loved one who is no longer with them. 

This is my first Father’s Day without my Father

Nine months ago, I received the phone call from my sister that I wished I would never receive but knew I would get … “Jerry, Dad just passed.” Although we had known for two weeks that he was near passing, when he did pass, I initially felt like an orphan, thinking, “I no longer have my father.” 

This Father’s Day without my dad will be different for me.

I had studied religion and psychology in college. I had spent four years in seminary and had a Master of Divinity degree. I’ve read the Bible for as long as I could read and have been attending church—compliments of my Mom—for nine months before I was born. I knew that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I knew Dad was now in Heaven and had been made whole. And I knew that one day I would see him again. My head knew all the right things about death, dying, and faith. Yet my heart was still broken. I’m nine months into my grief journey, and I still look up at the sky and tell my Dad every day, “I miss you. I love you. I’m happy for you. I will see you again one day.”     

Even with Google and AI, we can’t tell someone how they should feel

Missing your dad or a father figure on Father’s Day is a deeply personal experience. As grief caregivers, it is essential to “give people permission” to express what they feel, allowing for sadness, anger, or silence. Grief is a natural response when we lose someone with whom we had a loving connection. It is also true that some grievers had a not-so-loving relationship with their father. A person shared how frustrating it was to hear others ask why it seemed he wasn’t grieving or shedding tears when his father died. What that person didn’t know was how difficult his relationship had been with his father, who was both physically and emotionally abusive. 

Whatever a person feels on Father’s Day, remember: if they feel happy, that is okay. If they feel sad or angry, that is okay. If they feel a roller coaster of emotions, that is okay. And if they feel nothing, that is okay. The reality is that no one can tell another person how they should feel about their situation. 

Helpful things we can say.

As grief caregivers, there are both practical and spiritual things we can share with those who are mourning their father. It is always very helpful to acknowledge that a person is hurting with phrases like “I’m sorry for your loss,” “You are in my prayers,” and “I’m here for you if you need anything.”

At the same time, there are equally well-meaning phrases that can be hurtful and that we should not say, such as “He’s in a better place.” It is true, but for the bereaved, it is too soon to hear those words while they are just processing the loss of their loved one. One well-intentioned friend attempted to comfort me by stating, “At least you had him for many years.” In fact, I had my Dad for 68 years, but I would gladly have him for just one more Thanksgiving, Christmas, or birthday.

To imply that a person’s grief shouldn’t be so painful because the father lived a long life can seem dismissive of their hurt and minimize their loss. Another unhelpful comment that is wrong emotionally and theologically is, “God had his reasons for taking him.” That makes a good God to be the bad guy in the passing of Dad. These comments should be avoided.

On Father’s Day, remind them that they have a Heavenly Father

There is, however, something very spiritual we can share with those grieving the loss of a father that can be a huge help. While the pain of grief is real, so is God’s help. As grief caregivers, we have the resources of our faith to assist us in our ministry.

One day, the disciples of Jesus asked Him how to pray, that is, how are we to talk with God. Jesus said, “When you pray, say: Our Father in Heaven …” (Luke 11:2). Of all the ways Jesus could have said we are to address the Almighty Creator God, He said to address Him as a child would His Father.

We know not every child has good memories of their father, which is why Jesus added, “Our Father in heaven.”  Earthly fathers are imperfect and make mistakes, but not our Heavenly Father. The Bible says,

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

(Psalm 34:18 NLT) 

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

(Psalm 46:1 NIV) 

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

(1 Peter 5:7 NLT)

Be watching for the face of someone grieving

If someone doesn’t feel okay on Father’s Day, that’s okay. But it’s not okay to stay that way. People can get stuck in their grief. As caregivers for the grieving, we will show care by speaking with them, listening to what they want to share, and affirming that their pain is real and that God’s help is real. Their face won’t tell the whole story, so we need to remember that for some people around us, there is grief beneath the happy Father’s Day greeting. 

Recently, on Mother’s Day, I gently touched the arm of a lady who sings in our choir. I shared, “I’m thinking of you today and have prayed for you.” Ten months earlier, I was with her and her adult son in the ER as the doctors pronounced the time of death of her husband. I knew this was her first Mother’s Day without him, and I knew she would be freshly grieving his absence again.

My words were brief, but they reminded her that on this happy holiday, her grief was not overlooked, her pain was not unseen, and others would mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15).

Our care this Father’s Day will help the hurting know that with God, there is hope beyond today. Even if it doesn’t change the look on their face, I know it will help change the condition of their heart.