7 WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE GOING THROUGH GRIEF AND LOSS

Have you ever been the person at a funeral to show support, but you’ve never experienced grief before? I have. And I’m sure I’ve put my foot in my mouth before. Perhaps you have experienced loss, but are unsure what to say to a grieving friend.

A person’s journey through mourning the loss of someone, especially someone close, is incredibly unique and personal. Even comments made with good intentions can hurt a grieving family member or friend. Christian grief support training can help you to know what to say, and it’s good to know the right thing to say, but sometimes it’s just as important to know what NOT to say.

7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving (And Better Things to Say Instead)

Let’s think about some of the most common things people say to someone in grief and pre-plan some simple things that won’t make their time of grief more difficult. Your grieving friend or family member will appreciate it.

1. You’re Young, You’ll Get Married Again

The pain of losing a spouse is such a harsh sting. Though one might find solace in thinking of how this pain won’t last forever and they may not be alone forever, this statement feels quite irreverent and dismissive of their deceased spouse. It also isn’t usually on a bereaved widow/widower’s mind in the weeks following their spouse’s death.

To show your support and care for them, ask the griever if they will need any help around the house or make a meal for them. Grieving can really drop your energy and motivation levels.

2. Your Child Won’t Remember. They’re So Young

In the same vein as the comment above, someone might say, “Oh, Emily’s so young, she won’t remember her dad’s death.” As Emily’s mom, that would really hurt me to think of my daughter not remembering her dad and all of the fun and love they shared. She may not remember the details, but losing a parent isn’t going to be easy.

Again, this can feel dismissive of the deceased loved one and their impact on the bereaved family’s lives. Try to support them by offering your condolences. If you’d like to go the extra mile, maybe offer to babysit for the newly single parent. That way, they can do something as simple as run errands without bringing young children along.

3. God/Heaven Needed Another Angel

So, this cliché is problematic for a couple of reasons. One is that it’s not at all biblically based. If your loved one has accepted Jesus as their savior into their heart and life, then they will surely be praising Him in heaven, but it does not equate to becoming an angel.

The second reason is that to the sensitive soul of a person in mourning, the response to this would be, “Well, why didn’t He just make another angel instead of taking my loved one?”

Try instead to offer your condolences, and if it’s appropriate. offer some help if they need anything.

4. They’re Your Guardian Angel Now

Just like in #3, this cliché is often said with good intentions to make the mourning family feel better, but it is just not biblically based. Psalm 91:1-16 tells us that God is our protector. He does send angels to protect us at times, according to Exodus 23.20.

Surely, we carry the love of and for our deceased loved ones in our hearts with us. But the Bible tells us where they go when they physically leave the earth, and it is always a good guide for those in mourning.

You can remind them of Jesus’ promise of the resurrection and just be in the moment with them. Pointing them in the direction of biblical guidance through this trying time in their lives.

5. I Know How You Feel

If you’ve experienced something similar before and wish to impart some wisdom to your friend in mourning, you may feel inclined to say, “I know how you feel.”

It comes off as insensitive and dismissive of their own uniquely personal grief journey. You don’t know how they feel. You know how you felt.

Instead, try saying, “I lost my mom in 2006, if you need to talk about your grieving process, let me know, and we can talk when you’re ready.” or “I can imagine what you’re feeling. I’ve lost someone, too. I’m here if you want to talk.”

6. Everything Happens for a Reason

Sometimes, when you can’t find the right words, you might try to justify the situation with “everything happens for a reason,” but that can sting terribly. Because what reason could possibly be good enough to justify the pain of the person who’s grieving?

Instead, the person whose world just shattered would probably appreciate hearing you say things about how much the deceased meant to you or their noticeable impact on others.

7. Your Loved One is in a Better Place

To die is inevitable. Wanting to believe the deceased is better off is a ‘nice’ gesture, but again, it will likely chafe most people to hear “he’s better off now” or anything like that.

While it is true that if the deceased was a Christian, they’re with Jesus now, and yes, that’s better, it doesn’t help anything.

Their Time of Grief is Hard Enough

This season is rough when grieving the loss of someone special. We can help the griever when we steer clear of some of these hazardous and painful comments. The person navigating loss may not be able to verbalize it, but their appreciation for our effort in not pouring salt in the wound will be significant. Especially if we instead offer real hope and support.

Effectively caring for someone who is grieving requires international planning. One way that you can enhance your ability to support the grieving is by taking our Journey in Grief Care course. It is ideal for both group leaders and individuals to gain essential skills to provide effective comfort and communication in times of loss.

You also might look into helping your church obtain our grief group curriculum so that your church could offer a grief support group. Another helpful resource is our series on Grieving through the Holidays.