7 Worst Things To Say To Someone Going Through Grief and Loss

Have you ever been the person at a funeral to show support, but you’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing? Maybe you’ve heard that some of the most well-meaning statements can be the worst things to say to someone in grief. And you want to learn how to offer real comfort rather than add to their pain.

The good news is you don’t need perfect words. Just a willingness to listen, acknowledge their pain, and be present with them.

Keep these words close for when you need them:

Download your free printable, 7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving, and What to Say Instead. Keep it handy to refer to before a funeral, visit, or phone call.

7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving (And Better Things to Say Instead)

Let’s think about some of the most common things people say to someone in grief and pre-plan some simple things that won’t make their time of grief more difficult. Your grieving friend or family member will appreciate it. 

1. You’re Young

Instead of: You’re young, you’ll get married again.

Try: Can I bring you a meal on Tuesday, or is there a project you’d like help with?

The pain of losing a spouse is such a harsh sting. Though one might find solace in thinking of how this pain won’t last forever and they may not be alone forever, this statement feels quite irreverent and dismissive of their deceased spouse.  It also isn’t usually on a bereaved widow/widower’s mind in the weeks following their spouse’s death.

To show your support and care for them, ask the griever if they will need any help around the house or make a meal for them. Grieving can really drop your energy and motivation levels.

2. The Kids Are So Young

Instead of: Your child won’t remember, they’re so young.

Try: I’m so sorry. Would you like me to babysit next weekend?

In the same vein as the comment above, someone might say, “Oh, Emily’s so young, she won’t remember her dad’s death.” As Emily’s mom, that would really hurt me to think of my daughter not remembering her dad and all of the fun and love they shared. She may not remember the details, but losing a parent isn’t going to be easy. 

Again, this can feel dismissive of the deceased loved one and their impact on the bereaved family’s lives. Try to support them by offering your condolences. If you’d like to go the extra mile, maybe offer to babysit for the newly single parent. That way, they can do something as simple as run errands without bringing young children along.

3. Another Angel

Instead of: God/Heaven needed another angel.

Try: I’m so sorry for your loss.

So, this cliché is problematic for a couple of reasons. One is that it’s not at all biblically based. If your loved one has accepted Jesus as their savior into their heart and life, then they will surely be praising Him in heaven, but it does not equate to becoming an angel.

The second reason is that to the sensitive soul of a person in mourning, the response to this would be, “Well, why didn’t He just make another angel instead of taking my loved one?” 

Try instead to offer your condolences, and if it’s appropriate, offer some practical help if they need anything.  

4. Guardian Angel

Instead of: They’re your guardian angel now

Try: May The Lord be with you.

Just like in #3, this cliché is often said with good intentions to make the mourning family feel better, but it is just not biblically based.  Psalm 91:1-16 tells us that God is our protector. He does send angels to protect us at times, according to Exodus 23.20.

Surely, we carry the love of and for our deceased loved ones in our hearts with us. But the Bible tells us where they go when they physically leave the earth, and it is always a good guide for those in mourning.

You can remind them of Jesus’ promise of the resurrection and just be in the moment with them. Point them in the direction of biblical guidance through this trying time in their lives.

5. I Know How You Feel

Instead of: I know how you feel.

Try: I lost (person/circumstance), if you need to talk, I’m here. I’ll plan on checking in with you again next week, if you don’t mind.

If you’ve experienced something similar before and wish to impart some wisdom to your friend in mourning, you may feel inclined to say, “I know how you feel.”

It comes off as insensitive and dismissive of their own uniquely personal grief journey. You don’t know how they feel. You know how you felt.

Instead, try saying, “I lost my mom in 2006, if you need to talk about your grieving process, let me know, and we can talk when you’re ready.” or “I can imagine what you’re feeling. I’ve lost someone, too. I’m here if you want to talk.”

6. For a Reason

Instead of: Everything happens for a reason.

Try: Saying something about how the deceased person impacted you, or someone you know.

Sometimes, when you can’t find the right words, you might try to justify the situation with “everything happens for a reason,” but that can sting terribly. Because what reason could possibly be good enough to justify the pain of the person who’s grieving?

Instead, the person whose world just shattered would probably appreciate hearing you say things about how much the deceased meant to you or their noticeable impact on others. 

7. A Better Place

Instead of: Your Loved one is in a better place.

Try: Offering empathy for their pain.

To die is inevitable. Wanting to believe the deceased is better off is a ‘nice’ gesture, but again, it will likely chafe most people to hear “he’s better off now” or anything like that. 

While it is true that if the deceased was a Christian, they’re with Jesus now, and yes, that’s better, it doesn’t help anything. 

Instead, offer empathy. Acknowledge their pain and the way their world has changed. Also, just being present with them while they grieve is meaningful.

Their Time of Grief is Hard Enough

While there is no perfect formula for helping a grieving loved one, these 7 things to say instead, paired with a willingness to listen and be present with them as they process their loss will mean far more than any well-meaning attempts to explain away and ‘lift their load’ by saying some of the hurtful phrases above.

Want a simple reminder you can save or share? Download your free printable version of this guide today.

If you would like more tips and guidance as you walk with a loved one who is grieving: