When someone you love experiences loss, do you feel a little uncertain? It’s okay that you don’t know what to do, or how to help. The fact that you’re here shows you care, and that’s the biggest obstacle. 

Remember: Just Being Present With a Griever Helps

It may be more common, and easier, to avoid a grieving person, because you don’t know what to say or do. But just showing up, being someone they can talk to, and remember with, is often what makes the biggest difference. Not just right after the loss, either. Being consistent with your presence after everyone else has ‘forgotten‘ about the loss is important. 

How to Support Someone Who is Grieving

When a friend or family member is dealing with grief and you want to help, here are a few ideas to get you started. 

• Listen more than you speak: Most of the time, someone grieving wants to talk about their experiences with their loved one, and have someone share the memory with them. Talking about the death can be helpful to some. Or to talk about anything else, and just feel ‘normal’ for a bit. 
• Share your own memories, talk about the person who died, and the person who is still here in front of you, and how either or both have impacted your life.
• Be someone who is safe. Someone they can feel and express their emotions and tears with. You don’t have to fix anything, just be present. 
• Offer practical assistance: BE SPECIFIC. Simply ask “Would you like me to mow the lawn for the next few weeks?” or “Can I get anything for you at the store this week?” Or “Would it help if I watched the kids for a few hours next Tuesday?” An open ended “Let me know if you need anything” has its plance, but puts the burden of thinking of ideas on the people grieving.
• Check in regularly. It doesn’t have to be long or fancy, but set a reminder in your phone if need be. Reach out on whatever schedule feels most normal to your relationship. Weekly, monthly, definitely around birthdays, anniversaries, and important holindays. 

Conversations with a newly bereaved person can be uncomfortable. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable, for the sake of your friend. If someone is asking personal or detailed questions of your friend, by all means, change the subject and move the conversation along. But when it’s just you and your friend, or a close group, leave room for the grief. Over time, you’ll be able to guage when a joke or other diversion is appropriate, but please don’t always rush through this part. 

Things that are Not Helpful

Many people worry they’re going to say the wrong thing. And that’s possible. even the most well-meaning statements can stab like a knife. There are some perfectly true things that people tend to say, that feel more like salt in the wound, than the encouragement you’re going for.

Even something like “This is part of God’s plan, and He knows best” can cut deep. God may have allowed this death, that is true. But that doesn’t make the loss any less painful, or mean that God is happy with the loss of someone’s life. 

I want to share with you 7 Things NOT to say, and what to say instead. This free download will arm you with words that heal, and give you some perspective on why the other list hurts so much. 

Here Are Some Resources That May Help Your Grieving Friend

The grieving process is complicated. But here are a few resources that will help:

Grief Support Programs

These six-week video-based support group programs are an excellent way to help your grieving friend or family member to process their loss and find a way forward:

A Note For Churches

We want to help you as you help and comfort your community to cope with grief and bereavement. 

If you would like to start a grief ministry at your church, but don’t know how, Journey in Grief Care is our program designed to train both pastors and volunteers on how to help someone who is grieving. Learn what to say, what not to say, what to watch for, and how to encourage grievers as they navigate their unique grief journey.

Small Group Starter Bundles

In order to help you get started, we offer some complete startup bundles, both for training your leaders and for working directly with the grieving. Each bundle includes a complete leader kit (with your choice of video access-DVD, USB, or Streaming) and all books needed for 8 students or participants, at a discount: