HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GRIEVE A SPOUSE?

Dealing with the loss of a spouse is a uniquely complicated process. You bump into their absence at every turn. Unless your spouse traveled a lot for work, it’s impossible to ignore or pretend they aren’t actually gone for good. 

But how long does it take to grieve a spouse? To mourn, process, and move on? And is it possible to do that? To move on and not feel guilty about living your life well, and find a new kind of happiness?

Do You Ever Get Over the Loss of Your Husband or Wife?

I think the best way to address this question is to think about what we actually mean by it. We’re not likely to “Get Over” a death in the same way we would “get over” a hurdle as a runner or jockey would. They make it over a physical hurdle, and they’re done with it. 

Emotions and relationships are different. We’re never going to be flat-out done with it, because healing from the death of a loved one isn’t linear. But we can ‘get over’ a loss, in that we are no longer held prisoner by the event. 

There’s no set length of time that it takes to work through your grief. But the good thing about God’s design is, just like skipping rocks, our thoughts and emotions around the loss of a loved one have a similar ripple effect. The first bounce of a stone creates significant ripples and disturbances. Later bounces have less impact. 

When you first lose a spouse, the impact can leave you breathless, sleepless, and totally disoriented. But with time and effort, you will find yourself living in your new reality. There will reach a point where you go several months between impacts of that grief-stone skipping across your world. The ripples will not last as long or cut as deeply. 

What if My Relationship Was Complicated?

We’d all like to live in a world where everything’s perfect, and we all have the perfect marriage, but due to the fall, this is sadly unattainable.

The emotions you feel as the widow/er of someone you had complicated feelings for will probably be just as complicated. We like to say that the depth of your relationship with someone who passes correlates to the depth of your grief. You might even be surprised at how sad you find yourself after your spouse died if this was the nature of your relationship.

There may be feelings of sadness you wouldn’t expect, and this is often due to the loss of not just your spouse, but the hope of repairing your relationship with them and being happier one day. Finding closure can be tough in these situations, but it can be made easier when you have the help of good pastoral care, professional counseling, and/or joining a grief support group.

Coping with the Death of a Spouse

But the question remains. How on earth do you cope with this? Dealing with the loss of a spouse is different. Just from a very practical standpoint, your life partner is gone. Were they the person who earned the most income? Took care of the kids? Managed the bills, the mental load, drove the car, or_______?

Someone else, likely you, now has to cover all of it. Some can be outsourced. Some of it can’t. And that doesn’t even include the emotional toll losing a spouse often takes. That pain and loneliness is also not easily fixed.

So how do you cope? How do you deal effectively with this difficult thing called life, when it just got so much more difficult?

Coping with the Practical Aspects

This part can be both overwhelming and yet the easiest part at the same time. You can make a list of the most important things your husband or wife did (and some of the less important but still special things). Then you can learn, delegate, and figure out these tangible tasks: getting a job, managing the calendar and homework/housework, setting appointments, paying bills, fixing things, and so on.

These things are a lot, but they’re identifiable and fixable. And you can delegate some of them fairly easily. A neighbor, the church handyman, accountants, and financial assistance programs. There are tools and resources to help with these types of things. 

And it’s easier to ask friends, or for friends to offer this kind of help. 

Depending on what stage of life you are in, your practical needs will look different and will have a varying impact on the bandwidth you have available for coping with the emotional portion of the grief process.

Coping with the Grief and Mourning

You can’t outsource the emotional part of grieving. There is no shortcut or delegating that can make you feel better faster. If you’re a parent of small children or otherwise find yourself dealing with urgent issues, you can push grief aside temporarily.

But it’s crucial that you don’t do that for too long. Grief doesn’t just go away because you want it to. 

Physical symptoms can pop up if you try to avoid processing your emotions and feelings. It’s hard, but facing and working through them is the only way they will grow smaller and the way forward into a new reality. 

How, though?

There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, but there is a need to actually grieve the loss. To think about and talk about the person who died, their impact on your life, and what it feels like without them. 

Taking the time to grieve and remember, to dream, and to reframe your future life without your spouse is an important aspect of bereavement. And while you do, please don’t neglect your self-care. 

You may still feel numb to the reality of your spouse’s death at times, or you may feel a range of emotions, triggered by different events and memories. You must grieve at your own pace, and on your own timeline. This is normal and healthy. 

You might want to avoid social activities, or you may find yourself overcommitting your calendar so that you are too busy to feel the different emotions. Please do your best to find a balance that doesn’t swing too far in either direction. Allow yourself time to process and come to terms with the death of someone so close to you, without over-isolating yourself. 

Allow yourself grace when important dates, like your wedding anniversary, your spouse’s birthday, first dates, or the anniversary of your spouse’s death, circle around and remind you of your loss. Take a rest day, or plan something simple with a close friend or family member. It’s okay to be sad or a little blue on those days, even years later. The person you shared that day with isn’t there anymore, but your love still is. 

Support in the Grieving Process

As you work through the grieving process, it’s very important to remember that you’re not alone. If you don’t already have a good support network outside of your spouse, then it may feel like it, but there are people around you who do care. 

Churches and organizations in your area often run grief support groups. These groups are a safe place to process your pain with people who are walking similar paths of loss and healing. 

Hope Beyond Today is our course designed to help people navigate their grief and move forward. It is filled with heartwarming stories from the experiences of others who are further down the trail. If your church isn’t already offering it, please ask them to consider it or to help you find a group nearby.