UNDERSTANDING THE RIPPLE EFFECT: TACKLING THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

Have you ever heard of the 5 stages of grief? Or the seven stages of grief? Or 9 stages of grief? I’ve even seen these and longer lists with additional stages circulating on the internet.

While these lists are helpful,  the concept of the stages of grief as a step-by-step “how to grieve” program isn’t really a formula for grief. Sure, these are all emotions you may feel along your grief journey, but as you can learn in pastoral care of grief and loss, everyone copes with loss differently.

Processing grief as you move from one stage to another, and sometimes back and forth, will be a journey with unexpected twists and turns. You may even revisit parts you thought you were done with.

Why We Don’t Use the Kübler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief

The “five stages of grief” model was created by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss Psychiatrist, and was actually an observation of the most frequent stages an individual who was dying might experience. She eventually clarified that not all dying individuals go through five stages, and that the dying process is not a linear, guaranteed path. 

The ministry of Hope Beyond Our Grief is directed toward grief survivors, which is a different group altogether. People who have lost loved ones are dealing with different grief patterns. Many of the same emotions felt by people who are dying will show up in their lives, but the loss of a loved one is different, and the unique pain of loss creates individual journeys for each of us. 

Common Emotions of the Grieving Process

Bereavement will almost always trigger a flood of feelings and emotions. In the
aftermath of a loss, many find themselves on an emotional roller coaster. This is normal. The order, frequency, and variety will be unique to each grieving individual.

As we mentioned, no one’s process through grieving the loss of a loved one will look the same. It will not look like neatly compartmentalized little stages, but rather like a ball ricocheting in your mind.

The goal here is to help you make sense of and understand the process. Then, as the grief journey proceeds, it can be at least partially anticipated and a tiny bit more manageable.  The specific feelings vary, as well as the order. But here are some of the more common ones:

Numb or Frozen

Especially with sudden or traumatic forms of loss, shock and disbelief are likely to be strong responses. This sense where it’s all surreal, and impossible, even while you can see it’s actually happening. Shock and denial are natural. Feeling numb in the face of the news is common. But this isn’t permanent.

Many times, coping with loss includes denying it even happened. “I must tell them about X” or “I can’t wait until we all go do Y together,” etc. Pushing away the trauma of the death of a loved one can buy you time to process a loss. It’s a normal response.

To accept the loss is scary. And knowing that intense grief awaits the second we give up our denial can be frightening. Acceptance of the new life path without that missing piece will change everything, and sometimes our brains just need a bit more time to cross that bridge. 

Guilt

Sometimes we struggle with feeling responsible for what has happened, or for not spending enough time with the one who’s gone. These feelings don’t necessarily reflect anything we did wrong. But these feelings can trigger “Why,” “What if,” and “if only” questions. We at Hope Beyond Our Grief have a course that can help you find the way through these feelings and questions. 

Anger

When it comes to grief, anger may come as a surprise to some. But the pain of the loss of a loved one often includes anger. As the reality of your loss sinks in, you may find yourself angry at the person who died, yourself or those responsible for it, God for not preventing it, or the world for going on like nothing even happened. 

This is normal and natural, but not somewhere we want to linger too long. It may feel overwhelming, but as you go through the “five stages of grief” process, you will come to terms with the loss and find a way forward. 

Depression

Another one of the more common and talked-about emotions of loss is depression. This one makes sense to most people, even if it does sneak up on you sometimes. The loss of a significant part of your routine, whatever you would do or talk about with the person who’s now gone, will be missed.

Sadness at that missing piece can become depression very easily. Most of the time, this is temporary and intermittent. However, if it does persist, please seek help from a professional counselor, psychiatrist, or trusted friends—people who can walk alongside you and help you find the light again.

Acceptance and Hope

This is where you’re no longer fighting the loss, but have made peace with it. You still mourn, and miss your person, but the major upheaval in your heart is settled. There is more joy in the memories. They may still be bittersweet, but the ripples are calmer, not like a tidal wave anymore. It may seem impossible now, but as you work through your loss, you will get there. 

Beyond acceptance, there is hope for a brighter future. A good life seems possible again. This doesn’t minimize or dismiss the loss; it is simply a matter of confidence in God’s presence and plans for your life, knowing that they are good, even if they’re not what you expected or easy. 

Let’s Explore the Ripple Effect of Grief

One important thing to understand is the Ripple Effect. Just like when you throw a rock into a pond, the results are felt the strongest the closer to the point and time of impact,  and gradually become gentler the farther out you go.

First: Point of Impact

When you first learn about the death of someone you care about, that moment, your life gets a permanent marker of ‘before’ and ‘after.’ It is unforgettable. It’s like an explosion, disrupting everything. 

Second: Tsunami

Following the impact, a tsunami or tidal wave of intense emotions washes over your life. There were likely no ‘storm warnings’ to prepare you for this uninvited companion.

Third: Drowning

The intensity of these feelings of despair and loss can become overwhelming, and it can feel like you can’t even breathe.

Fourth: Holding

At this point, you may feel like you’re just treading water. The world is moving on, but you can’t seem to.

From time to time, after the initial passing of your loved one, you may feel one or all of these emotions again. For example, if you’ve just heard a song you and your departed spouse loved, or perhaps it’s December and you’re left alone, grieving through the holidays, these triggers can bring about anger, anxiety, and depression. That’s completely normal and common for them to pop in and out of your mind at random times.

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving? 

No one should have to navigate alone the complicated journey that grief presents.

If you are reading this post because you are anticipating or are going through grief yourself, or if you are seeking to help others navigate the grief process, Hope Beyond Our Grief can help. We recommend our courses, which can help you better understand the grief process and equip you or your church with tools and resources to provide a grief support group.