HOPE FOR GRIEVING FATHERS: SURVIVING THE UNTHINKABLE AS A DAD

images of grieving fathers in a triangular format

The death of a loved one is always hard. But the death of a child can cause far more intense feelings of grief. And a grieving father needs compassion and encouragement, and an outlet for his overwhelm and frustration.

Your grief journey is going to be unique and not linear. But one breath at a time, you will find healing.

Feeling Grief as a Dad

A grieving parent is a person facing a future they never imagined, and that likely feels confusing. Impossible. Overwhelming. 

Parents who have lost a child experience a depth of grief that is almost impossible, in the immediate, to be comforted.

After all, dad’s supposed to be able to fix anything, and this isn’t something you can fix. 

Fortunately, it’s not something God expects you to fix. It’s something you will have to live with. Sooner or later, you will find the constant intensity of your grief will fade. Not your love, Not your memories. And yes, sometimes, events, holidays, smells, and sounds will trigger another strong wave of emotion. But that is evidence of the depth of your love for your child. And a reminder of God’s love for you.

Whether your child, teen, or adult child died unexpectedly or after a long illness, your grief is normal. Everyone’s exact grief journey is unique. There are some common elements, but how it plays out in your life will be based on two unique individuals. You, and your child. 

Allow yourself time, lean on God, and those around you who care about you. 

Coping with Loss as Grieving Dads

The grieving process takes time, and parts of it will endure for a lifetime. But there are a few things you can do that will help you navigate this emotionally charged season well. 

Face, and Feel, Your Emotions

This is one of the hardest things, and takes courage, but naming your emotions, and allowing yourself to feel sadness, or remorse, or even a pang of guilt, is how to move forward. You cannot reach healing and any kind of real normalcy without facing all of the strong feelings you’re having and finding acceptance. 

And, please, don’t hide this process from your family. Yes, they need some of your strength as you all grieve this loss. They also need to see that it hurts you, too. That you feel sad. And that you are putting in effort to heal. Your wife and kids need to know those things. It helps them when they see both sides from you. They feel less alone, and so do you. When you can work through grief together as a team, everyone gets the benefits.

You have to mourn the loss of your child and the future you anticipated with them. The landmark events that won’t happen. The graduation, wedding, grandbabies… Be gentle with yourself, and allow the feelings to come. Give them space to exist, and do not shame them. We all deal with a roller coaster of emotions and are sad in the aftermath of death.  

Find Constructive Outlets

Grief builds up in our bodies and needs to be released. Depending on what your natural routines are, there are some solid options for releasing this particular energy. We don’t want to unexpectedly overflow onto our loved ones, so let’s be proactive.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Journaling: The good memories, the hard things, the pain. Write it down. Type it out if you must. 
  • Art: Paint, color, draw, clay/pottery, etc. 
  • Curate playlists of fun music and music that helps bring feelings to the surface. There will be times for both.
  • Going for a walk, running, or cycling can be helpful ways to release emotions and wear yourself out so you can sleep.
  • Hammering nails can be an excellent way to vent frustration without letting it hurt your loved ones. 

Encouragement for Grieving Mothers

Accept Support from others

This means letting people in. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable. There are some really supportive people around you. Friends and family, your spouse, a grief support group, maybe even a licensed counselor or other mental health expert, such as a psychiatrist or therapist. 

Talking to these friends and experts will help you process your emotions. This is very important because if you don’t, your body will begin to process them for you in physically harmful ways.

Allow them to comfort you. Neither of you is likely to have the right words, but whether you are ready to talk or just need someone to sit in silence with you, these people want to help.

Look to God

God is our father, and Jesus’ father. He grieved over our separation, which is why he sent Jesus to bridge the gap between us. 

There is so much that God has to say about grief in the Bible. He experienced it and shares his own comfort with us, to encourage us as we walk through it ourselves.  

We can look to Jesus and Lazarus to see how much death pains Jesus. We can see from David’s experience that there is hope for a future reconnection with our children, even beyond the grave. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

You may be separated from your child in this season, but if they were very little, or if they were a believer, and you are too, then this season is temporary, and there is hope for a reunion and eternity together. 

You Are Allowed to Cry When Memories Arise

Before and after the funeral. On special occasions. On those quiet, rainy days where you would ordinarily be tucked up on the couch watching a movie or playing video games together, or maybe a board game…

Tears will threaten. Let them come. If you suppress your grief reactions, they’ll come out sideways, in unpredictable ways. So let yourself cry. It’s okay. I know many people say “real men don’t cry,” but that is a lie. It’s unhealthy, and unhelpful, and causes shame in little boys and grown men. 

Sometimes the memories will bring tears, and other times, they may bring a grin. Especially as time goes on, the sweetness of the memories will remain, while the sting will grow less. It’s not your love fading, because that’s just not going to happen. It is a blessing God gives us, A way to make our losses bearable.