Grief Is Not Linear: Understanding the Ripple Effect

Grief is not linear. It is entirely possible (and likely) to have a relatively peaceful week, punctuated by waves of grief brought on by hearing a significant song, or a place, scent, conversation, or unexpected memory. 

This doesn’t mean you’re going backwards, or doing anything wrong. Grief changes in intensity for many reasons. Just because a strong emotion crashes over you on what you thought was a decent day isn’t an automatic reason for concern. 

What Does It Mean That Grief Is Not Linear?

Bereavement will almost always trigger a flood of feelings and emotions. In the aftermath of a loss, many find themselves on an emotional roller coaster. This is normal.

The order, frequency, type, and intensity will be unique to each grieving individual. Things like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are fairly common experiences associated with grief. However, they are not all required, and each person isn’t automatically going to deal with all of them, much less in a specific order. 

Some emotions will come and go. That means a calm week or month doesn’t mean you’re done grieving any more than a difficult day or week means you’ve lost progress. 

Just because an anniversary, a song, or a memory still brings up sadness and longing after months or years doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. It means you’re human. Have patience with yourself when these events occur.

Why Grief Comes in Waves

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. When a loss is permanent (at least for this lifetime), we learn to adapt. Learning to live without that person is not natural or easy, but it is necessary. 

As time goes by and you practice, gradually adapt, and engage with other loved ones, life becomes manageable. The thing is, someone you love is gone, and life without them still includes reminders of their presence and their absence. 

Routine things like a favorite song, a birthday, a holiday, or a favorite meal can make precious memories feel overwhelming.

Unexpected events, major life changes, stress, exhaustion, accomplishments… These can also stir up deep feelings. 

Just because you experience unpredictable moments of grief doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’ve loved deeply. However, if you find yourself experiencing deep grief most of the time for a long time, you may want to consider grief counseling. A licensed mental health clinician or therapist can help you if you find your grief often interfering with daily life for a prolonged period.

Understanding the Ripple Effect of Grief

One important thing to understand is the Ripple Effect. Just like when you throw a rock into a pond, the results are felt the strongest the closer to the point and time of impact,  and gradually become gentler the farther out you go. 

The Point of Impact

When you first learn about the death of someone you care about, that moment, your life gets a permanent marker of ‘before’ and ‘after.’ It is unforgettable. It’s like an explosion, disrupting everything. 

When Grief Feels Like a Tsunami

Following the impact, a tsunami or tidal wave of intense emotions washes over your life. There were likely no ‘storm warnings’ to prepare you for this uninvited companion.

Sometimes it Feels Like You’re Drowning

The intensity of these feelings of despair and loss can become overwhelming, and it can feel like you can’t even breathe.

Holding On To The Calm

At this point, you may feel like you’re just treading water. The world is moving on, but you can’t seem to.

Moving Between the Ripples

These are not stages of grief, but rather pictures of how the intensity of grief changes. They don’t happen once, in a required order, then disappear. From time to time, after the initial passing of your loved one, you may feel one or all of these ripples again. 

For example, if you’ve just heard a song you and your departed spouse loved, or perhaps it’s December and you’re left alone, grieving through the holidays, these triggers can bring about a point-of-impact feeling all over again. That’s completely normal and common for them to pop in and out of your mind at random times.

Navigating the Ripples: Common Recurring Emotions

The specific feelings vary, as well as the order. But here are some of the more common ones:

• Numbness
• Guilt or Relief
• Anger or Bargaining
• Deep Sadness or Depression
• Acceptance and Hope

The goal here is to help you make sense of and understand the process. Then, as the grief journey proceeds, it can be at least partially anticipated and a tiny bit more manageable.

As we mentioned, no one’s process through grieving the loss of a loved one will look the same. Grief isn’t linear, but more like tides, advancing and receding, sometimes steadily, and sometimes with a startlingly high tide or rip current that seems to come out of nowhere.

Navigating that can be frustrating. But hopefully knowing that it’s normal, you will allow yourself to feel what you feel, keep reminding yourself that your timetable is your own, and that grief is one piece of evidence that your love didn’t die when your loved one did. 

You can reach out to a friend who understands, take some time for self-care, or journal. Another idea that can help would be copying one of David’s Psalms, praying along the lines of “God, this hurts. And You’re still Good.” 

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

No one should have to manage the complicated journey of grief alone. While there is no timeline, there is progress, and a rogue wave of grief does not take away from how far you’ve come. Instead, see it as reflecting how important they were to you, and how their absence has changed you.