WHAT IS GRIEF? UNDERSTANDING GRIEF IN PRACTICAL TERMS

If you look in Webster’s dictionary, grief is defined as a deep sadness, caused especially by someone’s death. Those of us who have suffered through grief know it can feel like a deep ocean. Drowning you in the realization that you will never see a recently passed loved one again in your earthly life. 

We want you to know there is hope beyond grief, despite how dark it may seem. 

Why Do We Grieve?

When bereavement hits at the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a pet, or even the loss of a home, we experience grief. When our ‘normal’ is disrupted, and there’s no hope of regaining THAT normal, it hurts. 

Grief, at its core, is loneliness. It’s a heavy reality to come to terms with, especially if there was an unexpected or particularly traumatic death involved.

There are many reasons you may be feeling grief, maybe even long after you’d expect to. The feeling of grief is perfectly natural and is ultimately a process and a journey.

Even if you were expecting the inevitable end to a long life of a loved one, it can still hurt to be the kid without their mentor grandparent, the daughter without a mother, or the man or woman without their spouse. It’s completely valid to miss your loved ones who’ve passed on. 

Different Types of Grief

Grief and bereavement come in a variety of packages, as significant loss comes in different forms. Everyone’s experience of grief looks different, but there are some major categories, and most experiences will fit into one (or more) of them. 

What is Anticipatory Grief

This is the deep sorrow we often feel before an actual loss occurs. Usually, when a loved one is facing a terminal illness, advanced age, or a progressive decline in health. Unlike grief that follows death, these feelings can begin while the person is still alive, as family and friends struggle to accept the reality of losing them. It can bring a mixture of emotions—sadness, anxiety, anger, and even guilt for mourning “too soon.”

At the same time, anticipatory grief sometimes provides space for important conversations. The goodbyes and emotional preparation that are not possible after an unexpected loss.

Recognizing and naming this type of grief helps normalize the experience and reminds us that it is a natural, human response to knowing that separation is coming soon. 

What is Complicated Grief

Complicated grief happens when you get stuck in the grieving process. Maybe it’s due to unresolved issues you had with the person who died. It may be because you’re overwhelmed with all the things that need doing and deciding in the aftermath of the loss. It might also be because you aren’t allowing yourself to accept what happened and move forward. 

Most people experience periods of complicated grief. Moving back and forth from healthy grief to complicated grief shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing. It only becomes a problem if you stay there. 

What is Disenfranchised Grief

When others do not openly acknowledge your loss or deem it ‘socially unacceptable,’ you may experience disenfranchised grief. If people dismiss or ignore your feelings, or if you feel unsafe admitting the impact this loss has had on you, you are likely to encounter disenfranchised grief.

If we cannot be honest about our grief, it’s really difficult to process and move through. It can become complicated if we’re not careful. Even if it’s just one person, finding some type of bereavement support, from a friend or a grief counselor, is important.

Someone who will allow you to share your memories and feelings. They don’t have to understand your connection to what has been lost. They just need to be the kind of person who will validate your experience and pain, and help you move forward

What is Traumatic Grief

This form of grief usually happens after an accident or a suicide. The unexpected and sudden death of someone you love is incredibly hard to process. You have unanswerable questions. You feel like your world has been suddenly turned upside-down, inside-out, and backward. 

Your intense grief has taken control, and your response as you grieve the loss is more than you bargained for. This is not a permanent state, though in the moment, it feels like it. Normal grief ebbs and flows through many stages, and with traumatic grief, you may experience more ups and downs along the way. Give yourself time.

How Grief and Loss Impact Holidays

Holiday grief is that grief you feel during the “fill-in-the-blank” holiday without your loved one. You come to dread all of the firsts without them, but the family-oriented holidays this time of year tend to be the hardest, causing holiday grief. The more intense your love for your lost loved one, the deeper your grief will be, making the holidays lonely and forcing you to confront their passing in a profound way.

You might begin your grief journey immediately after your loss, or it might be the holiday grief that sets it in motion for you this year, realizing the gravity of not having your loved one at the table at Thanksgiving, or unwrapping presents with the family on Christmas morning. 

Either way, the physical and emotional response to loss is normal. Coping with bereavement is not easy, especially around special holidays. 

Hope is Possible

Understanding the grieving process will help you through the challenges of learning to live again without that person who meant so much to you.

There is hope beyond grief, and there is no better time than now to confront the emotions that may be freshly resurfacing. Contact us today for more information about our books and course modules for you or your church’s grief group.