What to Say to Someone Grieving During the Holidays

Walking Alongside Someone Who Is Grieving at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s

These three holidays are often described as the most wonderful time of the year. For many people, they are a season filled with family, traditions, music, laughter, gatherings, and cherished memories. But for someone who is grieving, this trio of holidays can also be one of the most difficult times of the year.

If you have someone in your life who is grieving this season, you may find yourself wondering what to say, what to do, or how you can help. You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or you may wonder whether mentioning the person who died will make things harder. You may even feel that there is nothing you can do to make Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s easier for them.

You cannot take away their grief or remove the memories of the past. And you cannot make them feel the way they once did.

But you can be with them. You can walk alongside them in their grief.

And sometimes, your presence is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

Understand That the Holidays Will Be Different After a Loss

Loss changes things.

A tradition may be too painful this year. A meal may need to be simpler. A gathering may need to be shorter. Someone may want to light a candle, visit a gravesite, look through photographs, or include the person’s favorite food as part of the celebration.

Other traditions may be skipped altogether.

That’s okay.

Changing something this year doesn’t mean it can never be done again. It simply means the family is learning how to experience the holidays in the presence of an absence that wasn’t there before.

If you are grieving this holiday season yourself, read 7 Tips for Navigating Holiday Grief Well.

Why Christmas Can Be Especially Hard When Someone Is Grieving

Christmas, perhaps more than any other holiday, has a way of bringing memories to the surface. The decorations, music, traditions, family gatherings, and familiar places can all remind a grieving person of their loved one who is missing.

What once felt familiar and joyful may now feel painful.

That doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate Christmas. It doesn’t mean they don’t love being with family.

It simply means that grief and gratitude can exist in the same heart.

As a friend or family member, you don’t have to try to fix that difference. You don’t have to make the sadness go away or convince them to enjoy Christmas.

Simply recognize that Christmas is different for them this year.

Don’t Assume You Know How They Feel

Rather than deciding what the grieving person needs, give them room to tell you.

Ask simple questions. Be willing to sit in silence.

You can simply make sure they don’t have to experience their grief alone.

What Can You Say to Someone Who Is Grieving at Christmas?

“How are you doing with Christmas this year?”

“Is there anything that would make this week easier?”

“Would you like to talk about Mary?”

And then listen.

You don’t have to have an answer or offer an explanation. You simply need to be willing to hear what they are saying.

The Love of Christmas Is Presence

Perhaps that gives us something important to remember as we walk alongside someone who is grieving.

Remember Their Loved One

Sometimes we avoid mentioning someone’s name because we are afraid it will make the grieving person sad.

Hearing their loved one’s name may bring tears, but tears are simply the expression of love and loneliness.

Share a memory. Tell a funny story. Mention something you remember about past Christmases.

“I remember how much Mary loved decorating the tree.”

“I know you must be missing John this Christmas.”

For someone who is grieving, knowing that others remember can be a tremendous comfort. They may already feel that the world has moved on while they are still carrying their loss. Knowing that someone else remembers can remind them that their loved one has not been forgotten.

Don’t Pressure Them to Be Cheerful

A grieving person may laugh one moment and cry the next. They may enjoy a family gathering and then suddenly need to step away.

Moments of happiness don’t mean they have stopped grieving.

Tears don’t mean Christmas has been ruined.

Sometimes we unintentionally make grief harder when we say things like, “Try to enjoy yourself,” or “You need to be happy for the family.”

Allow them permission to be honest. They don’t have to pretend.

They can smile and still be grieving. It is okay for them to laugh and still miss the person they love. They can enjoy a moment and then find themselves overwhelmed by sorrow a few minutes later.

Invite Rather Than Persist

Include the grieving person, but don’t pressure them.

Invite them to dinner. Invite them to church, or to open presents with the family.

But also give them permission to say no.

“We’d love to have you with us, but we understand if you’re not up to it.”

Those words can be a wonderful gift.

The invitation says, “You are wanted.”

The freedom to decline says, “We understand.”

Both are important.

Remember That New Year’s Can Bring Its Own Grief

New Year’s often brings talk of fresh starts, new beginnings, and looking ahead. But for someone who is grieving, stepping into a new year can feel like just another reminder that life has changed.

They are learning to live in a new reality — one in which someone they love is no longer physically present. Moving forward does not mean leaving that person behind or forgetting the life they shared.

Be careful not to pressure your friend or family member to “move on” simply because the calendar has changed. Instead, continue to walk alongside them. Remember the person they are missing. Give them room to grieve while also giving them permission to rediscover the opportunities and moments of joy that may still lie ahead.

Supporting Someone Through Holiday Grief

We may not be able to answer their questions or remove their pain. We may not even know what to say.

But we can come near.

We can listen.

We can remember.

And we can love.

We may not be able to change their holiday season. But we can help make sure they don’t face the season alone.

Sometimes, that is the gift of simply walking alongside someone who is grieving.

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Help Them Prepare

Grieving Through the Holidays is a 4-session program designed to help grievers prepare for and navigate the holidays. With practical and encouraging guidance and strategies, it will equip them to face memories, activities, and traditions.