IS COMFORT OR CHEER THE BEST WAY TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING?

When someone has experienced loss, it can be tricky to know what to do or say. “Should I ask someone who is grieving how she’s feeling?” “Is it appropriate to try to cheer her up or get her to laugh?” 

Knowing the exact right thing to say or do is difficult, and it is very dependent on the person who is grieving. Overwhelmingly, though, it is not the best idea to try to “cheer up” a person in active grief. Some things that a grieving person needs are:

• support
• love
• understanding
• loving them like Jesus loves us

Many times, the bereaved need to feel all of those negative emotions and process their feelings.

If you are a church leader seeking a grief support group curriculum or a friend looking for ways to support someone who is grieving, this series will provide helpful insights.

Understanding the Grieving Process Your Friend or Family Member is Experiencing 

Getting back to “normal” isn’t going to happen overnight. Putting a timeline on feelings isn’t really possible. It depends on the person, how close they were to the lost loved one, how traumatic/unexpected the death was, and so on. 

They have to navigate the stages of grief, or rather, the ripple effects, often without a map. Even if this isn’t the first time experiencing grief, each journey is unique. They may circle back to a prior stage unexpectedly, or skip one altogether. 

Watching someone you care about struggle through this is hard. It would be natural to want to cheer them up, and sometimes that’s exactly what they need. But letting them know they’re not alone, offering support in tangible ways, and making sure they know that you care, is going to be what they need most.

Be Patient and Keep Track of the Calendar

The best way to help someone who is bereaved is to be understanding of their struggle with processing their emotions. If they cancel a lunch date with you because they just can’t deal with some emotions death brings up, be flexible. Allow them to not be okay. Let them know you’re there for them when they are ready. Your friend will greatly appreciate the empathy and loyalty. 

Holidays and special occasions, like their lost loved one’s birthday, can make it seem like your friend has regressed on their grieving journey. This is called holiday grief, and it’s important to be patient and understanding again during these times. The first (and often the second) round of holidays or birthdays without their loved one is usually rough. They can trigger numerous painful emotions that even they may have thought they had sorted through. This isn’t a regression, but rather a natural part of the grieving journey. 

Offer Practical Support For Someone Who Is Grieving 

To comfort someone who has lost a loved one, your presence is often a gift. Sometimes just knowing you’re trying to help, even if you don’t know what to say, can make a huge impact on their day. 

As people grieve the loss of a loved one, they’re usually going to need some practical assistance.

• Offer to help with chores or errands
• Be willing to talk about the person who died
• Send a thoughtful text to help them remember they’re not alone

Post reminders for yourself on the calendar and send text messages to let them know you’re thinking of them. If a holiday or birthday is coming up that you think might trigger negative emotions in your bereaved loved one, share that you remember. That you are aware that it will be a more challenging day or week.

Offer to be with them at some point during that day/week. You don’t have to have the right words (if you can at least avoid these wrong words). Just remind them that they’re not alone in their grief. That you’re there, and willing to talk about their loss, or just to listen, or be a shoulder to cry on if that’s what they need. 

When You Don’t Know What to Say to Someone Going Through Grief and Loss

Grieving people can’t just stay home in their loungewear for months on end. It’s unhealthy and will prolong their grief journey, never allowing them to really move on. So by all means, allow them some time, but then begin drawing them out. They might feel guilty at first for enjoying themselves again, but it’s important that they practice. Clearing the fog of grief takes time, 

When your friend or loved one is ready, they might really appreciate you inviting them to get a coffee and chat, or to go to a show. They may not have the energy for more physically demanding things at first. But after a time, as they begin to heal, something like mini golf, bowling, or a walk through a botanical garden could be a helpful option. 

These are just a couple of things that can really make a difference in someone’s grief journey for the better. Basically, you are showing them love and support as they find their way through the loss and grief that has complicated their lives. 

Sometimes Your Grieving Friend or Family Member Needs More than Just Comfort

There is no one right or wrong way to grieve. But sometimes a person’s loss affects the bereaved person in ways a friend or family member is unprepared for. There are times when someone who lost a loved one needs professional grief counseling. The benefits of this can be incredible, and there’s nothing wrong with needing a little professional assistance with this.

There are also grief support groups at many churches. Many funeral homes keep a list of groups and counselors they can share with you.

If you are a church member or leader looking for a grief and loss group curriculum or more information related to holiday grief, take a look at our catalog of courses and learning materials today.