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Grief and Loneliness: When Support Suddenly Fades
Grief and loneliness often arrive together. Even when surrounded by friends, family, coworkers and church members, it is possible to feel very much alone. None of them had the same relationship with the person who died, so they don’t feel the absence in the same way you do.
Loneliness can also intensify after the funeral. When someone dies, you often have a group of friends and connections who rally around you. There are many offers of help and company.
But after a bit, others return to their lives, leaving you feeling like no one cares.
After a while, things slow down. People don’t reach out as often. Friends stop asking you how you’re feeling, and you feel lonely. It seems as if your community has forgotten that you are still grieving. It may feel like you have been abandoned, which can be even more difficult because it compounds the original loss.
Why Does Grief Feel So Lonely?
You may be experiencing loneliness in grief, and not fully understand why, especially if you have other loved ones around you and checking on you.
There are some fundamental changes in your life that can leave you feeling lonely, even in a crowd. There is an absence when you have the urge to share something that you saw or experienced that only your loved one would truly appreciate. The things you used to do together are fresh reminders of your loss.
Your identity as spouse or parent or child may feel altered, and the routines and patterns of life are taking on new shapes.
You may feel emotionally separate from those around you, since no one else had the same relationship with your loved one as you did. And it’s hard to put your grief into words to bridge that gap.
Being Alone and Feeling Lonely Are Not Always the Same
There is an important difference between being lonely and being alone. Loneliness is that feeling of being disconnected from everyone. And you can feel lonely even when you’re in a group of friends or a crowd of strangers. In the months following a funeral, support may fade gradually or suddenly. That change can intensify your loneliness, especially when you already feel separated from the life and relationships you knew before your loss.
You will likely find yourself moving between needing solitude and desiring company. Both can be valuable in your healing journey, and neither one is inherently right or wrong. Give yourself opportunities for both solitude and social gatherings as you have the capacity.
Why Do People Stop Reaching Out?
There are many reasons why this happens. It’s not that people stop caring; most individuals just don’t know how to help with grief. It is often an uncomfortable subject that many people are not equipped to deal with.
1. People get busy. Life doesn’t stop when someone passes away. People still have to work, take care of their families, go to school, etc. After the funeral, people usually have to get back to focusing on their lives, their routines, and their responsibilities. Their lives were not changed in the same way yours were, so they may not realize you still need support.
Holiday grief can be especially difficult to go through for this reason. Everyone is worried about buying gifts, attending events, and seeing family and friends. With their minds on other things, people may forget that you are grieving.
2. People become tired and uncomfortable. Your friends may feel awkward and not know what to say. It isn’t that they no longer care; they may feel helpless because they cannot solve your pain, and instead of acknowledging that uncertainty, they may withdraw.
3. People may assume that you are doing better. When people know the person who has passed, it can be difficult for them, just like it is with close friends and family. However, often, people who are not as close to the person who has passed will assume that close friends and family have healed once they have.
Understanding some of these reasons for quiet distance from friends and family can be helpful, but it doesn’t erase the hurt their absence can cause.
Feeling Alone Does Not Mean You Are Grieving Incorrectly
When the actions (or inactions) of those around you leave you feeling alone in grief, there are a few things to remember:
You are not responsible for keeping others comfortable. Your grief is your own, and you don’t need to constantly pretend you’re okay because those around you think you should be fine already.
Grief isn’t linear; it doesn’t expire or go away just because it’s been three weeks or six months, or whatever timetable others expect.
Needing support and a little understanding from those around you is not a sign of weakness or a problem. And experiencing that lack of expected comfort and support can feel like an additional loss.
What Can You Do When You Feel Alone in Grief?
Here are some practical strategies for coping with loneliness after loss:
- Tell one trusted person what would help:
“I’m still having a difficult time. Would you mind checking in on me occasionally?”
- Ask for specific kinds of contact:
“Could you call me on Tuesdays?” or “Please text me around 7 p.m. sometimes, that’s an especially difficult hour.”
- Give people permission to talk about the person who died:
“It’s okay to talk about (name). Sometimes that really helps.” or “What is your favorite memory of (name)?”
- Be honest about your capacity:
Letting others know when it’s a day you’d like to DO something, or if having quiet company would be more valuable at the moment.
- Consider a grief group, pastor, or counselor
There’s no exact timetable for grief. However, if loneliness and grief are severely impacting your ability to function, it may be time for something more. Sometimes the structure and training of organized or professional grief support or even medical care can make a significant difference in helping you process grief.
Learn more about the benefits of joining a grief support group here.
- Accept that sometimes a friendship doesn’t last forever.
Some friendships are only for a season. That might be the season before your loss, or the season right after your loss. That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s just the nature of friendships.
Remember: God is With You
When the loneliness and grief press in, and friends and family seem distant, remember that God hasn’t abandoned you.
He promises in Psalm 34:18 that He is close to the brokenhearted. And in Psalm 56:8, David acknowledges that God keeps track of his sorrows and collects his tears in a bottle. God is right there with you in your pain and sadness.
While human support may not be as present or helpful as we would like sometimes, we can remember that we can talk through everything with God, and He hears us from a place of understanding and compassion.
For Friends and Family:
Coping with loneliness after the loss of a loved one is challenging. And the grieving person’s feelings of loneliness are just one aspect of their grief process.
Grief is often isolating. Remind them that you are still there for support. Reach out to them weeks, even months after they have lost their loved one, and check in on them.
Listen when they need to talk. Their grief journey doesn’t stop after the donated meals are eaten or the gift cards are used up. Talking to others who understand, at least enough to care, is a blessing.
Explore seven practical ways to support someone who is grieving, or visit our resources for helping someone who is grieving.
For Pastors, Ministry Leaders, and Grief Caregivers:
Here at Hope Beyond Our Grief, we offer Christian grief support training for those who help by caring for people who are grieving. We know that grief can be uncomfortable, awkward, sad, and emotionally draining; but with the right tools, you have the ability to be someone’s support and comfort through their difficult time.